It doesn't at all surprise me that a man forced to go an anti-violence programme would compensate for his loss of power and perceived humiliation by taking it out on his partner. Nor, sadly, does it surprise me that he was able to fool the programme leaders. If you haven't been trained to deal with sociopaths it's so easy to just be sucked in by them.
I remember the Gay Oakes case and have read the book. Pretty harrowing. A random piece that sticks in my brain is how Gay hated her curly hair, inherited from a family member. Also remember thinking Gardener got his just deserts.
Needed to comment as a male to this story because I don't want what looks like another male comment to diminish this beautiful work you're doing Paula. Family Violence stories need their own space to keep the meaning and seriousness of what really happens in genuine family violence experiences, and victim-survivors need their voices heard and needs more consideration towards the rehabilitation and reporting of the progress of their abusers in Non-violence programs. I connect with your style of writing cos it's fresh and funny and I can't wait for the next one!
Your posts always take me on a journey, I can't either speak to the fate of the kittens but took me to fond memories of my time with Gay , we were released from prison on the same day I got to be the decoy so all the awaiting media saw was me such a let down. In all seriousness I appreciate eternally your tenacity to keep up the important issues. ❤️
🥂 Congrats for being ahead of the times with your project... as Fiona said, worth a listen to see the differences between what you saw then & see now in this space ⁉️ Sad that you have to keep writing about it, but that is how light is shone & change is motivated.
Aotearoa is indeed a small world - I knew women who were the "support crew" for Gay Oakes after she was arrested (NB none of them admitted to helping her bury the body or in the subsequent cover up 😜) but I'm confident the kittens were well taken care of 🤗 I also was close to someone who was subjected to "domestic violence" behind "closed doors" that people in the husband's workplace and most of their circle did not know about. While he DID enrol in one of those anti-violence programmes, we discovered it was as an INSTRUCTOR not a participant 😱 Needless to say a failure at home, and goodness knows for the men he was supposedly trying to help 🙇
Deborah Te Kawa does excellent essays on Substack about the challenges of implementing & assessing the effectiveness of policies, and it is clear that "family violence" is not the only area that is imperfectly handled!
And my heart also breaks for the children - knowingly placed back into such dangers by the very system meant to protect them - then unprotected. The years of damage caused is horrific and in many cases perpetuates a cycle of mental illness as the consequences of such trauma. Compartmentalizing is a necessary skill for many mums to simply survive life - we wear our masks.
I'm so glad that you and people like you have dedicated yourselves to shining a light on this injustice and awfulness. We desperately need better. Thank you for your work - it's making a difference.
Paula. You know this well. Government departments live by statistics. Meaningless KPI numbers and easily published numbers ‘bites’ that populate reports and releases. Numbers this, numbers that. I’ve seen it firmly entrenched in local and by extension central. Effectiveness is more difficult, requires long term commitment, and can lead to awkward questions; ambitious middle managers, executives, and minsters don’t like questions that can inhibit budgets and careers. It’s always the humans at the end of the chain that pay the price, not knowing there is a seperate yet parallel game afoot. Failure gift wrapped as success.
Getting those stories published is so vital. Victims have always known how bad it is, but it is only when stats like that come out that people seem to listen more. Sadly, White Ribbon is just as bad. Seeing the police wearing the white ribbon always made my skin crawl. That organisation has so much violence in it. I had always worked for NGOs and charities, and it is an easy place to hide rottenness. Thanks for all that you do.
I have a casette tape player in my car... Just saying...
❤️Are you gonna let me drive your car since there’s no way I’m letting anyone else hear this 😆
It doesn't at all surprise me that a man forced to go an anti-violence programme would compensate for his loss of power and perceived humiliation by taking it out on his partner. Nor, sadly, does it surprise me that he was able to fool the programme leaders. If you haven't been trained to deal with sociopaths it's so easy to just be sucked in by them.
I remember the Gay Oakes case and have read the book. Pretty harrowing. A random piece that sticks in my brain is how Gay hated her curly hair, inherited from a family member. Also remember thinking Gardener got his just deserts.
Needed to comment as a male to this story because I don't want what looks like another male comment to diminish this beautiful work you're doing Paula. Family Violence stories need their own space to keep the meaning and seriousness of what really happens in genuine family violence experiences, and victim-survivors need their voices heard and needs more consideration towards the rehabilitation and reporting of the progress of their abusers in Non-violence programs. I connect with your style of writing cos it's fresh and funny and I can't wait for the next one!
Thank you Donny 🙏🏼
Your posts always take me on a journey, I can't either speak to the fate of the kittens but took me to fond memories of my time with Gay , we were released from prison on the same day I got to be the decoy so all the awaiting media saw was me such a let down. In all seriousness I appreciate eternally your tenacity to keep up the important issues. ❤️
I love this! Now I want to know more about you.
🥂 Congrats for being ahead of the times with your project... as Fiona said, worth a listen to see the differences between what you saw then & see now in this space ⁉️ Sad that you have to keep writing about it, but that is how light is shone & change is motivated.
Aotearoa is indeed a small world - I knew women who were the "support crew" for Gay Oakes after she was arrested (NB none of them admitted to helping her bury the body or in the subsequent cover up 😜) but I'm confident the kittens were well taken care of 🤗 I also was close to someone who was subjected to "domestic violence" behind "closed doors" that people in the husband's workplace and most of their circle did not know about. While he DID enrol in one of those anti-violence programmes, we discovered it was as an INSTRUCTOR not a participant 😱 Needless to say a failure at home, and goodness knows for the men he was supposedly trying to help 🙇
Deborah Te Kawa does excellent essays on Substack about the challenges of implementing & assessing the effectiveness of policies, and it is clear that "family violence" is not the only area that is imperfectly handled!
Thanks Cindy. That’s interesting about you being in the “support crew,” and thank you re the kittens!
Awesome post on your compulsion to keep telling stories like this that deeply affect and reflect on us as a society.
Thank you my friend x
And my heart also breaks for the children - knowingly placed back into such dangers by the very system meant to protect them - then unprotected. The years of damage caused is horrific and in many cases perpetuates a cycle of mental illness as the consequences of such trauma. Compartmentalizing is a necessary skill for many mums to simply survive life - we wear our masks.
Keep up the persistence, courage and commitment to telling stories that matter…. It’s important work.
I'm so glad that you and people like you have dedicated yourselves to shining a light on this injustice and awfulness. We desperately need better. Thank you for your work - it's making a difference.
Sadly, I've also just seen this...
Two-thirds of Hawke’s Bay people affected by family violence, survey finds - NZ Herald https://share.google/Ow44FTs8sWsZkaa23
Paula. You know this well. Government departments live by statistics. Meaningless KPI numbers and easily published numbers ‘bites’ that populate reports and releases. Numbers this, numbers that. I’ve seen it firmly entrenched in local and by extension central. Effectiveness is more difficult, requires long term commitment, and can lead to awkward questions; ambitious middle managers, executives, and minsters don’t like questions that can inhibit budgets and careers. It’s always the humans at the end of the chain that pay the price, not knowing there is a seperate yet parallel game afoot. Failure gift wrapped as success.
“Failure gift wrapped as success.” Devastatingly true.
Getting those stories published is so vital. Victims have always known how bad it is, but it is only when stats like that come out that people seem to listen more. Sadly, White Ribbon is just as bad. Seeing the police wearing the white ribbon always made my skin crawl. That organisation has so much violence in it. I had always worked for NGOs and charities, and it is an easy place to hide rottenness. Thanks for all that you do.
I’m glad this wasn’t the reel I taped over! Only the one on how to deal with aggressive dogs. With Erin and her umbrella!
So when will you write the truth in this domestic violence crime ?
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/nick-preece-3604a2222_crewemurders-domesticviolence-endthecoverup-activity-7467324460635836416-EBsj?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios&rcm=ACoAADf1CXgBUYzUMUm3qPWAeFfHW6R4vPYHVWQ
Fantastic post, and thanks for amplifying the Backbone Collective's all-important work.